The joys and pains of being genuine...

I've just about resigned myself to accepting the idea that if I am to lead a genuine existance, it is going to involve some great pains. The descision involved asking myself if being genuine was worth the price and I've come to the conclusion that it is. While this descision might have many negative consequences, the alternative would be far worse and inevitably lead to greater suffering.

I'm aware that this might seem like a pessimistic view or that I lack a fundamental understanding of the joyous possibilities that living a completely genuine life can bring. I want to assure you that I'm not. In an effort to clarify what I'm saying, to my readers and myself, let me explain what living a genuine life means to me and what I mean when I say that it will involve some great pains.

First, what do I mean when I talk about living my life genuinely? This has been a long, and still ongoing, process of discovery. What I have uncovered so far is that I am, in my very nature, both a teacher and a trouble-maker (or as Alan Watts might say...I have an inherant rascality). I'll describe each of these personalities in the 3rd person, but know that I understand it's all me.

The teacher in me has an endless compassion for others and an insatiatble desire to discover and expose the fundamental truths of existance. This teacher has a love of complexitity and depth. He is fascinated by, and has the ability to see all the hidden layers in life; far beyond where most people are able or willing to look. He loves to fully explore ideas and concepts, breaking them down to their most basic essence. Not only does he love the discovery personally, he believes that the understanding that comes along with it to be of great value to all. Even without regard to specific conclusions, he deeply believes that the very act of discovery and being open to whatever truths are revealed, to be universally valuable. In daily life, he is aware of other's misunderstandings and feels duty bound to correct them. This is where the teacher can have trouble. In the past, much of it has come from trying to perform the role before he was himself capable. Like an illiterate person teaching English composition to fresh immigrants, he wanted others to learn but didn't yet understand what he was teaching even though he was right in his assertion that neither did they. Now the teacher has a fair amount of expertese, but is surrounded by unwilling pupils.

This creates a double-bind for the teacher. His would-be pupils can't recognize him as a teacher because he doesn't fit the typical mold of what a teacher should look like. If any of you had a young attractive teacher in school you might see what I mean...they sometimes get mistaken for the students and so their authority is not respected. His unrecognizablity can't be fixed either becasue one of the most important lessons he has to teach is the importance of questioning conventional wisdom and how does one do that by adhereing to it?

The resolution for this "teacher" has been to maintain his learning and desire to teach, yet not cling to it as a need for validation. At times its hard not to feel lonely and isolated and even to question his own understanding of things. This is the inevitable pain I'm talking about. I'm learning to deal with the pain rather than avoid it. I've found that in doing so, a divine peace befalls me.

Now on to the trouble-maker in me. This rascal is not malicious, although outwardly he can appear so. He sees the value in challenging everything, even that which most people take for granted. In this challenging, he can often get way off the the beaten path of truth, but always, he'll return once he's seen for himself that it's leading the right way. He takes nothing at face value and doesn't trust anyone without them first proving to him their expertese and ability. He loves all things "out of the box". He can't stand the staus quo, and has a very hard time not judging those who he would deem as sheepish followers or conformists. Resentment can also be a problem for this character because, while understanding that others like the comfort and security of being "in the box", it hurts and causes him feelings of isolation when those he cares for don't see the great value he brings with his "out of the box" creativity. This guy is willing to buck the sytem at any cost and has a real problem with authority that is not given freely. He will submitt to those he respects, but has no complusion to serve masters not of his own choosing. While this rascal is very problematic at times, there is great value in him. Thank God though, for people like him who are willing to suffer the slings and arrowsin order to challenge mainstream thought.

As you might be able to tell, I've done a lot of wrestling with these two guys over the years. I'm pretty much done with that now though. I've integrated both into my full being. I now honor the value in all of me and willingly accept the role of being a light unto the dark even if that means I'm to be a martyr in a sense. Yes, it will be painful. Yes, conflicts will arise from my acting in a way that is true to my nature. And yes, there are skills that I have, and will continue learning, that will help reduce those painful side-effects and allow me to express myself in more effective and harmonious ways. I do see some extremely trying times ahead though and I find myself weary from the struggle I've already been through. Sometimes it's required of those with the ability and courage, to stand up to great injustice and fight against the systems of oppression. I see this fight coming in our world sooner than later. Sides will be taken and times are going to be very hard before things improve I think. Until then I am going to prepare myself, mind, body, and soul. Luckily, I've got the support of others to help me along the way.