Common Sense...What is it good for?

We as a society really need to rethink our idea that "common sense" is an admirable trait. I for one, am tired of people claiming that a given conclusion should be "common sense" and that I am missing the proverbial boat because I do not come to that same conclusion. All one has to do is look at how most people act to see that "common sense" seems an awful lot like complete insanity.

The inspiration for this post came to me when speaking to an ex-lover (aka...K) about my hopes for continuing my relationship with my ex-girlfriend (aka...E) who also happens to be the mother of my children. I was explaining to K that even though E and I are split up, I do still love her and she says she still loves me too. I went on to tell K that I thought E was having trouble adapting to this new relationship dynamic because she is trying to force her love for me into a pre-concieved idea of what it "ought" to be now that we're no longer "together" in the typical or "common" sense of the word. Even though we are in many ways more intimate now, she seems to want to move on and she believes that once we find someone else to be romantic with, we'll have to stop doing so together. I told E that when I do find someone that I want to become intimate with, they will have to understand and accept the fact that I do still love E. It was when I told K about what I'd said that she told me it ought to be common sense that no girl would ever be ok with me still being in love with an ex and that I needed to patch things up with E. I disagree completely.

So let's examin this particular notion of "common sense". First, let's frame the debate as; should it be "common sense" to believe that in order to love one person more you have to love someone else less, or does it stand to reason that it is perfectly natural for some people to be able to love multiple partners without sacrificing intensity towards any of them.

To answer this we must first analyze some observed qualities of love. When people have a second child they don't love the first any less. Certainly not evidence that love diminishes the more you spread it out. People have no trouble loving more than one sibling, parent, or friend at a time. Again, not very convincing evidence. So then, it would seem that this theory of love's limitation only applies to romantic relationships as "common sense". Starting to see the insanity yet?

If this rule somehow only applies to romantic relationships then why is that so? What problems are inherent to romantic relationships that cause love to act differently? As far as I can tell, the only problems people have with the idea of their partners engaging in the act of love with others comes from one of two sources: fear and insecurity. Fear that someone else would take away either time, love, or resources. Insecurity that if their partner did become romantically involved with another that they would like that other person more and would end up leaving them. Ironically those fears may indeed be justified, but if they truly loved their partner wouldn't they want the best for them? I think so.

Now let's examine the idea that love flows through each of us out of an endless font from the universe. It does certainly appear to be true that people who love lots of other people seem to have more of it in their hearts than those who are selective in whom they love. It appears to be that the more you love, the more love you have to love with. As long as its done in plain sight, what's wrong with the idea of being in totally loving relationships with more than one person? The term "committed relationship" starts to seem like it describes a relationship where both people ought to be committed. The whole idea of the "common sense" relationship is one where people are trying to force that which must come naturally. Furthermore, it puts enormous pressure on us, it's participants by creating the double-bind where either we expect our partner to be everything we want or we must force oursleves to accept that we can't have it all and settle for pretty close to perfect. I see this as a totally insane proposition.

In summation, I'd like to clarify that in some cases I too would not like to see someone I love become involved romantically with another. There are many scenarios I can imagine however, where the thought of my partner with another wouldn't bother me in the least. What's more, I am totally aware that the times I wouldn't like it are a result of my own fear and insecurity and I wouldn't let those feelings dictate the course of my relationship. So then, I concede the point that my views are not in keeping with "common sense". What I object to is that straying from the herd in an ideological sense is looked upon in a negative light.

I want to encourage all my readers to stray from the herd as much as possible and to be mindful when using such insane terms as "common sense" in a positive light. Do we really want to strive to be common?