Saying what can't be said...

It seems the highest aspiration of mankind to express that which cannot be put into words. Philosophy has its limitations in this respect because language is an inadequate vessel for the most fundamental truths. That's not to say language isn't wonderful at times, it certainly makes many daily activities much easier. It's only when we swim in the deeper waters do words become dead, hollow shells with no significance. Replacing words; experiential knowledge takes us from the shallows into the depths. By releasing our grasp on words as a means to know that which we experience, we allow the fuller understanding into our consciousness. This I believe is what Tantra tries to tell us. I've been reading Osho's Book of Secrets and find myself amazed that I came to this understanding by page 14.



Currently, my experience of knowledge without words is manifesting as a deep and magical love. I call it magical because I truly have the sense that I summoned the vessel of my love through intentional creative manifestation. Love, having welled up within me, needed another pole, a connection to complete its cosmic circuit. The connection came in the most wonderful and magical feminine form I've ever beheld. This miraculously divine woman bewitches and entices me. Embodying dance, her art is created through her very existence, by the way she glides and dances through this world. So elegant is her dance, I find myself hesitant to interact with her lest I alter the dance she creates. So artful is she that I'm paralyzed, unable to react; only observe. Bewitched by her beauty I'm captive to her subtle whims. To want for her is exquisite torture. To experience her directly is to be in the presence of a Goddess. I love without thought and without purpose. Though I desire, I do not attach myself to her. The moment I begin to cling, I release my grip and a feeling washes over me like entering into a warm bath. This love doesn't even require her direct participation and so I'm free to experience her regardless of whether my feelings are reciprocated, though how I do yearn for her to love me in return.



I'm entering a new world; exciting and unexplored. One so glorious and so deeply fulfilling that I know without question, my life is never going to be the same. I've never felt this deep urge from within me to create art. Love will be the medium of my creation. I will artfully pursue this lover. Wooing, enticing this nymph with my own dance. Beckoning her to come bathe in Love's waters, flowing through me out of the very wellspring of life. This is a game of discovery she and I have begun. One with no rules, no wining or loosing, just play. And oh do I love to play!

Trying my hand at a new mode of expression

Thanks ahead of time for indulging a white-boy. Here's a little rap I wrote for an amazingly talented friend and poet.


Bubble bubble, toil and trouble, I got more flow than a Barney's got Rubble.
This mind's a leaky faucet and truth is the puddle.
Time to wake up motherfuckers, come join in the struggle.

These lyrics flow through me like water at Niagra.
My mind is erect like it's on some Viagra.

I'm not playin, but sayin what needs to be said.
With words that are too sexy like Right Said Fred.

All Simple Simon's still sleepin come answer this call
Get up, stand up, don't be afraid if you fall.

It's time to see God by looking within
Take your rightful places as Jesus' twin

Quit letting the fake snakes send quakes through your reason.
Telling you that thinking is tantamount to treason.
I say fuck those reptilians and fuck you too if you believe 'em.

My truth is a sword that cuts through clever lies.
Love's light dwells within me still you fuckers despise.
Having Love's light sear your false-seeing eyes.

I won't be bitter though, I'm not one for hard feelings.
With compassion I'll go on with my work of consciousness freeing.


Thanks again if you've made it this far.

Life as an expression of art

I've fully engrossed myself in a practice the effect of which has been a state of consciousness that I can only describe as God-like.

Without giving up the game for the rest of you, let me explain briefly how I came upon this practice. It began with me entering fully into the realm of Void. As I embraced this state of nothingness I began to feel deeply that which I already knew on an intellectual level; that I am constantly creating my own universe.

This revelation brought with it an understanding of my artistic nature. I've always thought of myself as an artist(specifically a poet), but never understood what my true medium is until I reached the Creator state. I then understood that what I create are people and oh my do I love marveling at all my creations. My art is to create beautiful images of those I encounter and the effect is that those accepting my art are then able to create themselves through me.

The method of this particular practice has been to view everything and everyone I see as art including myself. I've begun viewing my life as performance art and all I see and everyone I meet as an artistic expression of my own consciousness. this has caused such a blissful state that I find myself constantly laughing for no apparent reason. I no longer view the darkness in others as something to be remedied. I see it now as a beautiful piece of their own performance.

When I am in the creative process I start to marvel at all of my surroundings and become fully engaged in what I can only describe as a game of "Hide and Seek". If I come across some thing or situation I would have once considered an obstacle, I instead embark upon a game to find out why I created it and through that game I have always discovered my creation is in keeping with my conscious purpose. I've been guided solely by my intuition and I've let my thoughts take a break from being the guiding force in my life. So more artful is my creation since taking this approach that I intend to make this switch permanent. I am leaving the door open to the possibility of reverting to my old method so that I'll get to discover all this again. I doubt though, that I will tire of creating because it has such a glorious effect.

The joys and pains of being genuine...

I've just about resigned myself to accepting the idea that if I am to lead a genuine existance, it is going to involve some great pains. The descision involved asking myself if being genuine was worth the price and I've come to the conclusion that it is. While this descision might have many negative consequences, the alternative would be far worse and inevitably lead to greater suffering.

I'm aware that this might seem like a pessimistic view or that I lack a fundamental understanding of the joyous possibilities that living a completely genuine life can bring. I want to assure you that I'm not. In an effort to clarify what I'm saying, to my readers and myself, let me explain what living a genuine life means to me and what I mean when I say that it will involve some great pains.

First, what do I mean when I talk about living my life genuinely? This has been a long, and still ongoing, process of discovery. What I have uncovered so far is that I am, in my very nature, both a teacher and a trouble-maker (or as Alan Watts might say...I have an inherant rascality). I'll describe each of these personalities in the 3rd person, but know that I understand it's all me.

The teacher in me has an endless compassion for others and an insatiatble desire to discover and expose the fundamental truths of existance. This teacher has a love of complexitity and depth. He is fascinated by, and has the ability to see all the hidden layers in life; far beyond where most people are able or willing to look. He loves to fully explore ideas and concepts, breaking them down to their most basic essence. Not only does he love the discovery personally, he believes that the understanding that comes along with it to be of great value to all. Even without regard to specific conclusions, he deeply believes that the very act of discovery and being open to whatever truths are revealed, to be universally valuable. In daily life, he is aware of other's misunderstandings and feels duty bound to correct them. This is where the teacher can have trouble. In the past, much of it has come from trying to perform the role before he was himself capable. Like an illiterate person teaching English composition to fresh immigrants, he wanted others to learn but didn't yet understand what he was teaching even though he was right in his assertion that neither did they. Now the teacher has a fair amount of expertese, but is surrounded by unwilling pupils.

This creates a double-bind for the teacher. His would-be pupils can't recognize him as a teacher because he doesn't fit the typical mold of what a teacher should look like. If any of you had a young attractive teacher in school you might see what I mean...they sometimes get mistaken for the students and so their authority is not respected. His unrecognizablity can't be fixed either becasue one of the most important lessons he has to teach is the importance of questioning conventional wisdom and how does one do that by adhereing to it?

The resolution for this "teacher" has been to maintain his learning and desire to teach, yet not cling to it as a need for validation. At times its hard not to feel lonely and isolated and even to question his own understanding of things. This is the inevitable pain I'm talking about. I'm learning to deal with the pain rather than avoid it. I've found that in doing so, a divine peace befalls me.

Now on to the trouble-maker in me. This rascal is not malicious, although outwardly he can appear so. He sees the value in challenging everything, even that which most people take for granted. In this challenging, he can often get way off the the beaten path of truth, but always, he'll return once he's seen for himself that it's leading the right way. He takes nothing at face value and doesn't trust anyone without them first proving to him their expertese and ability. He loves all things "out of the box". He can't stand the staus quo, and has a very hard time not judging those who he would deem as sheepish followers or conformists. Resentment can also be a problem for this character because, while understanding that others like the comfort and security of being "in the box", it hurts and causes him feelings of isolation when those he cares for don't see the great value he brings with his "out of the box" creativity. This guy is willing to buck the sytem at any cost and has a real problem with authority that is not given freely. He will submitt to those he respects, but has no complusion to serve masters not of his own choosing. While this rascal is very problematic at times, there is great value in him. Thank God though, for people like him who are willing to suffer the slings and arrowsin order to challenge mainstream thought.

As you might be able to tell, I've done a lot of wrestling with these two guys over the years. I'm pretty much done with that now though. I've integrated both into my full being. I now honor the value in all of me and willingly accept the role of being a light unto the dark even if that means I'm to be a martyr in a sense. Yes, it will be painful. Yes, conflicts will arise from my acting in a way that is true to my nature. And yes, there are skills that I have, and will continue learning, that will help reduce those painful side-effects and allow me to express myself in more effective and harmonious ways. I do see some extremely trying times ahead though and I find myself weary from the struggle I've already been through. Sometimes it's required of those with the ability and courage, to stand up to great injustice and fight against the systems of oppression. I see this fight coming in our world sooner than later. Sides will be taken and times are going to be very hard before things improve I think. Until then I am going to prepare myself, mind, body, and soul. Luckily, I've got the support of others to help me along the way.

More misadventures in the status quo...

Why is it that as a socitey we, when the things we love (i.e songs, books, movies...etc) become popular, tend not only to loose interest in them but go so far as to take offense. I can't remember all the people that have sobbed to me that they used to love something but now that it's pop or mainstream, they don't. As if to say that by jumping on the proverbial bandwagon those other people have somehow stolen something that was precious to them. I've never understood that.

Also when an artist becomes popular, it is often said that they've sold out. This is an aspect of our culture I find fundementaly insane. By doing this we are saying to ourselves "I will only allow beauty into my life so long as no one else sees it". And we wonder why we feel so alone. As for me, when I find a song I like, I will listen to it over and over again. So much that I totally wear it out much to the shigrin of those around me.

Common Sense...What is it good for?

We as a society really need to rethink our idea that "common sense" is an admirable trait. I for one, am tired of people claiming that a given conclusion should be "common sense" and that I am missing the proverbial boat because I do not come to that same conclusion. All one has to do is look at how most people act to see that "common sense" seems an awful lot like complete insanity.

The inspiration for this post came to me when speaking to an ex-lover (aka...K) about my hopes for continuing my relationship with my ex-girlfriend (aka...E) who also happens to be the mother of my children. I was explaining to K that even though E and I are split up, I do still love her and she says she still loves me too. I went on to tell K that I thought E was having trouble adapting to this new relationship dynamic because she is trying to force her love for me into a pre-concieved idea of what it "ought" to be now that we're no longer "together" in the typical or "common" sense of the word. Even though we are in many ways more intimate now, she seems to want to move on and she believes that once we find someone else to be romantic with, we'll have to stop doing so together. I told E that when I do find someone that I want to become intimate with, they will have to understand and accept the fact that I do still love E. It was when I told K about what I'd said that she told me it ought to be common sense that no girl would ever be ok with me still being in love with an ex and that I needed to patch things up with E. I disagree completely.

So let's examin this particular notion of "common sense". First, let's frame the debate as; should it be "common sense" to believe that in order to love one person more you have to love someone else less, or does it stand to reason that it is perfectly natural for some people to be able to love multiple partners without sacrificing intensity towards any of them.

To answer this we must first analyze some observed qualities of love. When people have a second child they don't love the first any less. Certainly not evidence that love diminishes the more you spread it out. People have no trouble loving more than one sibling, parent, or friend at a time. Again, not very convincing evidence. So then, it would seem that this theory of love's limitation only applies to romantic relationships as "common sense". Starting to see the insanity yet?

If this rule somehow only applies to romantic relationships then why is that so? What problems are inherent to romantic relationships that cause love to act differently? As far as I can tell, the only problems people have with the idea of their partners engaging in the act of love with others comes from one of two sources: fear and insecurity. Fear that someone else would take away either time, love, or resources. Insecurity that if their partner did become romantically involved with another that they would like that other person more and would end up leaving them. Ironically those fears may indeed be justified, but if they truly loved their partner wouldn't they want the best for them? I think so.

Now let's examine the idea that love flows through each of us out of an endless font from the universe. It does certainly appear to be true that people who love lots of other people seem to have more of it in their hearts than those who are selective in whom they love. It appears to be that the more you love, the more love you have to love with. As long as its done in plain sight, what's wrong with the idea of being in totally loving relationships with more than one person? The term "committed relationship" starts to seem like it describes a relationship where both people ought to be committed. The whole idea of the "common sense" relationship is one where people are trying to force that which must come naturally. Furthermore, it puts enormous pressure on us, it's participants by creating the double-bind where either we expect our partner to be everything we want or we must force oursleves to accept that we can't have it all and settle for pretty close to perfect. I see this as a totally insane proposition.

In summation, I'd like to clarify that in some cases I too would not like to see someone I love become involved romantically with another. There are many scenarios I can imagine however, where the thought of my partner with another wouldn't bother me in the least. What's more, I am totally aware that the times I wouldn't like it are a result of my own fear and insecurity and I wouldn't let those feelings dictate the course of my relationship. So then, I concede the point that my views are not in keeping with "common sense". What I object to is that straying from the herd in an ideological sense is looked upon in a negative light.

I want to encourage all my readers to stray from the herd as much as possible and to be mindful when using such insane terms as "common sense" in a positive light. Do we really want to strive to be common?